Single vs Relationships

I often question myself on whether me enjoying being single, especially while I feel like I am getting things in order with my career and well, my life really, is avoidance or actual truth. Do I really enjoy being single or am I afraid of of relationships and the commitment it requires?

When I am freely living on my own schedule, not having to answer to anyone and their demand for my time. I truly appreciate the easiness of it all. And then... you get comfortable in your bed one night (or on your couch if you have one, I sold mine - read my blog post on that one, an oldy but a goody: Couch Guy) you turn on Netflix and get drawn to watching one of those movies. Sometimes I am that girl who likes to watch a love story. WHY?! And I don't mean because I don't enjoy the movies themselves, but my goodness it's the worst thing you can do when you are single! Am I right ladies? it reminds you of the things you are missing that you so easily brush off with distractions of other things when you single. Like for me, work.

Tonight I was suggested the movie Mercy, by Netflix (oddly after I just watched Detachment which is no love story let me tell ya. Powerful movie to watch though.) It was late, not able to sleep anyway, so sure I'll watch another movie, this looks interesting. I actually enjoyed it. But it was one of those love stories that gets ya, where you truly feel the love one has for the other character. One that while you are watching them meet, fall in love, etc it makes you think of being single yourself and start missing that feeling of someone so interested in you, so in love with you, that it hurst to not have you in their life. I've been there, I know what that feels like. It also certainly makes you evaluate your situation of laying there all alone eating junk food at one in the morning in bed, and alone. Did I mention alone?

My "Team Single" side of me is like, get over it and stretch out and enjoy having the entire bed to yourself, this is awesome! (Aside from my cat and dog that seem to take up an awful amount of room in my bed)

The "Team Relationship" side (which is more the team my friends are on, and not me lol) makes you think about what you are missing, no matter how complicated the can be. It's having someone. The other day a friend actually said something that stuck in my head. We were chatting about relationships vs being single and I was giving my usual 'argument' about the fact I can't have the distraction of a relationship in my life right now, because I am trying to accomplish things and I feel like I can not give the time and effort into a relationship that is fair to my partner. She said, maybe having someone in your life could be that support that can help you get where you want to go, rather than feeling alone to get there. Well, didn't she put a dent in my singles ride?

What she said, made me stop to think. Maybe my climb to the top could be that much better with someone to share it with. And on the other hand, can I truly give enough in a relationship while I am climbing to the top? I'd have to learn how to accomplish that. So far that hasn't worked out in the last couple relationships I was in. Yes there were many other reasons those relationships didn't work out as well, but when single again it felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders when I could just concentrate on my work again with out dealing with relationship 'drama'. I also often say that my son is the only man in my life that I need, and that he is the one I share my "climb to the top" with, even if he is only 9.

I think I related a bit more to the movie because of all the reasons I am asking myself questions in this post. And what and Ironic title.

mer·cy  

/ˈmərsē/

Noun

Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm: "the boy was begging for mercy". An event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering.

Oh life and love. You make my brain hurt sometimes.

Single vs Relationships... what's your take?

What is Perfect?

I have been absent for a very long time. I could come up with a lot of reasons to why I have been offline (on this blog that is) but really it only comes down to one reason, my constant reach for perfection. 

I will admit I am a HUGE perfectionist.  I felt that unless I had every post properly edited I couldn't post them. As a communication specialist, I should know better and have it just perfect right? I didn't want to admit that, even though I have thought of this post in the past. But what would people think, especially being a professional! 

I could also say that it is pretty engrained by my mother in a lot of ways, that my writing should be perfect before posting, because she always told me I should never take up English as a major because my grammar and spelling skills were/are pretty bad. She is a brilliant scholar, so it's in her nature. And it was true, my papers always bled red with mistakes. Even now, one of my brothers still taunts me publicly about my bad spelling too. No pressure right? I also have been ridiculed, and still am by friends, family, strangers and anyone else about how much I talk. So I was afraid that my blog posts were too lengthy. And through online stats, your blog shouldn't be so long, and knowing I talk too much, i should make it shorter. Also, I was afraid that some of my posts weren't the perfect story to share either.

Well this is my personal blog. I am an informative, and detailed person, not talkative. I am not here to write some prize winning article or be graded or judged on how crappy my writing, spelling, grammar or any of it is. Really this blog is pretty personal, kinda like a journal in ways that I am choosing to write publicly because I believe there may be others who may relate, and feel more human, like I do,  the more we discover who we are.  I am going to write this blog when ever and however I want, as long or short as I want and drive every one of you perfectionists crazy with ALL my mistakes. Here is how much I care.... I DON'T ANYMORE! 

Let's talk about being perfect. What is perfect? There is no such thing. There is no such thing. There is no such thing! This is a line I have been told by many, including my business coach to repeat and believe! I do try to remind myself, but to believe it, well... that is an old habit that is hard to break, but I am working on it. 

I try to think back to the "why" do I do this to myself, set such an unattainable standard. I can't think of the "why", I just need to think of a solution to move forward (Again, advice from my business coach*). Even my son does the same and has from a very young age, strive for perfection. Knowing that I struggle with perfectionism, that was one of the last traits I wanted to see him struggle with, especially already. He's a kid, he should just enjoy everything for what it is! Right?! I remind him when he gets upset about his art not working out the way he wants, or his writing or what ever it is, that it's okay to make mistakes, or are they even mistakes? Maybe that line may lead his drawing in a new direction that could be really cool. Somehow, I have rubbed off before I even knew it. In words or actions that I didn't even know I was teaching him this. I will continue to remind him there is no such thing as perfect and to accept things as they are, be grateful of the positives, and appreciate the experiences. I know I need to embrace my own words of advice that I deliver to others.  

My solution, is figuring out how to love myself, truly love myself from within my heart and not just my head. I can tell you that I believe, and I do ... well I can't say I love myself (yet), but am proud of myself and my accomplishments. I can list off all the wonderful things that others say about me, and I love to hear. But I honestly don't believe within my heart that I am good enough, I don't meet the "perfect" I set up for myself. And since there is no such thing as perfect, I will never be perfect, there for never good enough. 

Kinda silly right?

Now, as a perfectionist still at this moment, we love to procrastinate.  Which to be honest I can admit that I am using this blog today to procrastinate so I don't overwhelm myself with things I think I may fail at, or be good enough for. (If you can relate, you totally understand what I mean by that.) So I should get back to work, and nip what I need to get done in the butt. I will say though, I am proud that I have finally took to my keyboard and wrote a blog post, perfect or not. 

So this is not one of those posts that has the answers already like some self help book, it's more a work in progress. Even though I naturally strayed from writing just now to start searching for the answers on how to over come my perfectionism, with making this a more perfect post. I stopped myself. he he To follow me on my journey, share your relatable moments, or just deliver some advice, be sure to follow my blog, and post your comments below. 

I am re kicking off the whole purpose of this blog, and why I started it originally, finding me. Now I am finding me, figuring out how to love me. And challenging myself to not give up again because I was afraid of what others would think.  

Have an incredible week, and for those like me, who strive for perfect.  Here is a line I'll leave you with:

“Making a mistake does not mean I’m stupid or a failure. It only means that I am like everyone else -human. Everyone makes mistakes!” 

Do you have a personal trait that holds you back?

*As an entrepreneur a business coach is the best thing to have on speed dial. Mine, Jess Huffman of Firebringers. I can't even explain in words how amazing he has been for me. I am so grateful for have had the chance to work with him over the last 3 years and continue to do so.