The Adventures of Tinder

Okay, I vouched to not date anyone from online again, especially with the whole point of this blog. But rules are broken all the time. Kinda gets boring if you don't break the rules.

Let's talk Tinder. YES, I admit, I tindered. A simple app with no detailed form you have to fill out for your profile and some survey that is going to help define who your potential matches are. It was just others in your area around you that you either think are potential or not. No real profiles to read, it really is based off looks to be honest. And for all of you people who want to insert your complaints here of how shallow it is, etc. Get over it! IN reality, we do it in person. We are human and you are attracted to who you are attracted to or not. There is someone for everyone, So get over it!

While browsing the Tinder 'catalogue' I came across some serious cuties in the city FYI! I swiped some to the left 'NOPE' and some to the right 'LIKE'. Most conversations went no where, but there were a few that lead to a conversation extended to text or even a meet in person.

My first date off the app; well, he was a cutie. We had a ridiculous amount of shared friends. That's what started our conversation. So he said, lets just meet, and we did. Well, meeting in person, here is where 'Online vs In Person' comes in to play. Pretty sure he was gay. My gaydar was flashin', yup. Conversation was good, but we both knew there wasn't more. We did that "Have a great night" goodbye that stands for 'great to meet you, but this is going nowhere.' And we never spoke again. But at least I got that one out of the way.

The next; oh the Italian. lol Yup I kinda have nick names for all of them. Referring to someone by a scenario with a relatable title helps. Especially when talking with my best friend, she can remember all my stories by their title and not their names. You know you all do it! I called this one the italian because he literally was the poster boy for the stereotypical italian. In a good way, not insulting by any means FTR. He was the wine lover, well dressed, longer dark swave hair, foodie and dedicated to his family. All of the above I was attracted to. However, in person, I couldn't count the amount of times he talked more about himself than anything else. At first I could discount it, cause we were just meeting and getting to know each other. That's what we do. But went out for lunch another day, with many of conversations on the phone in between, and still the same. When I say he talked about himself, I also am referring to him literally talking about his hair, his legs, his stomach, and so much more. The icing on top that ended it for me, is how he became the typical guy that completely changes once I let the cat out of the bag about how I enjoy sex as much as I do and can be really comfortable talking about, joking about it, etc.  It becomes the only topic with them. It gets so tiring. I mean I am flattered that he was all turned on by me and our conversations, but what happened to the real conversations we were having, at least sometimes? For example "Good Morning. Hope you have a great day. I'm hard thinking of you." Really, you couldn't just stop for a second and just leave it at have a good day? Does sex ALWAYS have to be brought into it? I'm bored of the same sexual lines over and over.

The third one; Pictures were hard to judge him by to be honest. But I think it was our similar likes and one of his pictures that caught my attention. A photo that showed me his music, which was what started our conversation. And sure enough, he turned out to be quite the musician actually. Pretty well known in fact. But that wasn't revealed till later, which in itself I appreciated. Staying humble was attractive. Our conversations over all were great, so we decided to meet. Well we closed the restaurant down talking for so long, then the bar that we attempted to continue our conversation at, then kept going in the car, then my place for a while. Shush. Yup maybe we hooked up the first night, and there is a whole other blog post on that night already posted, so I wont get into it here. He was in town for only a short while, not from here. Life happened, things got in the way, for both of us really. And we never had the chance to see each other again before he went back home. However, he's kept in touch here and there. From that date I honestly take as a great opportunity to meet someone fun and have great intellectual conversations with, and honestly he reminded me of how I need to focus and stay dedicated with my own passions, right when I needed it too. I can honestly say, that is why we met. Various people come into your life and sometimes you think it is for one thing, but the lesson  turns out to be something else entirely. As for commitment, in reality, I wasn't looking and I wasn't ready for it if it was offered. So I appreciate that opportunity to meet him and the fun we had.

There was another, but he is not worth my words on here, accept to say it's really too sad how people think the need to lie is a way to get to get someone. When the truth always comes out, why waste people's time and just be 100% honest. My BIGGEST pet peeve is someone not being honest, no matter what the price.

So my thoughts on Tinder. I find it helps the ego a little when you need a boost. ha ha Adventurous is certainly what it can be. Consider this a tip, log on and shorten your radius in areas where you enjoy hanging out. That in itself will help define some of the people you meet off there. You may meet someone more your type and literally while you are already out doing something you love. i.e. I literally logged on at  hockey game at the dome. Figured my options would be pretty awesome for a girl at a hockey rink. I was thinking I may even meet them right then and there that night, since we could both be in the same place. Why not? It was kinda a test. However, who I ended up chatting with was someone from another NHL team (not a hockey player, just someone from their team who organizes them) and were in town for a game against the Flames. So the people you can meet can surprise you and you never know who you may actually really connect with.

When Lonely Kicks In

When the weather gets colder, the days seem shorter, because they are so damn dark most of the time, you find yourself spending more time indoors trying to figure out what to do with yourself. Lonely certainly kicks in. 

The summer days it's easy to entertain your single self, even just reading a book at the park with the dog. But the cold days, like the -18 and snowing it is today. You opt to stay in. But you've already been doing that for weeks since winter kicked in. And the holidays... Don't even get me started on how much they rub in how single you really are. They certainly do not help.  

So much time spent indoors, leaves more time to thinking, thinking that leads to questioning, and questioning that leads to feeling lonely. 

When that feeling kicks in, I begin to wonder if my thoughts are accurate? Accurate in the sense that is it lonely speaking or the truth? Do I really want someone in my life right now or someone to fill the void till spring hits! Lol 

I don't want to get caught in the lonely trap to then recognize what I was clearly missing in the beginning and go through heart ache months later (again and again) like a damn hamster wheel. I know I have discovered more about myself in the last year, let alone last few years, that I am more cautious to whom I'm looking to be with. I don't want someone for a few months, I want someone who has potential for so much longer than that. But lonely can be blinding. To hear the compliments you want to hear, to have the company you crave when your normally alone, to have someone to share your trials and tribulations with. Yes love. But how do you pass through the lonely fog to find someone who you could truly love and be with?

Maybe that is why I've avoided relationships for so long. Trying to define the difference between someone who is making you feel so good about yourself and just enjoying their company because they came in when you were lonely. Your relationship at first masked the truth until things got comfortable and then reality kicks in, you discover each other's flaws that you can't get over, etc. Versus someone who you actually fall in love with and can accept all their quirks and things, and the company they can deliver comes in any form. That's what true love is, isn't it? 

Everyone is so rushed these days, like fast food, even that is not even fast enough for people anymore. Same goes for when one is lonely, and the need to date, you fall into wanting the fast track to fixing the problem and get caught up in the unhealthy 'fast food' relationship rather than a real home cooked, made with love kinda meal, AKA relationship. 

Share your thoughts in the comments below, do you agree you've been caught up in the lonely fog? How did you discover the one you love today and that they weren't just filling the void? And please don't give me the 'you just know'. Lol 

Photo by Noleime on deviantart http://noleime.deviantart.com/art/Lonely-but-not-alone-109917696

On the first date?

As the title to this blog post sets the stage, that yes, I'm talking about sleeping with a guy/girl on the first date. Do you or don't you?

Have times changed enough that the judgment of doing so become more relaxed? Can you sleep with someone on the first date and not be seen as a slut or boom move on to someone else because they gave it up? Does this rule more apply to women or men? 

Okay enough questions about it, lets talk about. I think there are 2, well questionably 3 scenarios that come to mind when/if you sleep with your date on your first meet. 

1.  Depends on what kind of interaction you've had before this date (this kinda pertains to those who've you met through online). You've chatted a long time, weeks maybe before hand. Have a good sense of each other. You meet, the date was just as good as your conversations were before you met, maybe even better. If it comes to that part of the night and you are just both so into each other, you've already had this build up to this point before meeting. Go for it! Why not. What's the difference between the first date and the 3rd to sleep with them? It shouldn't change anything. 

2. You've met only a short bit before online, or however you met in person via friends, or whatever, but this is your first date with them. If you hit it off pretty well, and that tempting situation comes up. Why not?! We are all adults, and all cards should be on the table. Is she/he considered 'easy' because they did... in my opinion that is assuming they do that every first date and maybe she/he did because she felt the connection, but if you don't you judge. Is that a fair opinion?

3. a. Quick meet, sexual chemistry is there but maybe not long term potential. You're both single, make the call... And go for it. Have fun. But be clear, leaving the other to hang with possible intentions is just cruel and unnecessary. 

3. b. Or don't sleep with them, get to know them better and make a better judgement call without so much wine in you that you had to calm your nerves. Lol 

Here is a cute clip from an older film, 1989's The Tall Guy, of Emma Thompson's character (Kate) talking to Jeff Goldblum's character (Dextor) about sleeping with a guy on the first date.

The Tall Guy - Click on the image to see the clip
http://movieclips.com/kDmr-the-tall-guy-movie-first-date-with-kate/66.8/132.31

I guess my opinion in all this, if you want to, go for it. Its silly to be judged if you choose to the first night. besides, that is a part of someone you need to know about them as well. What if 3 dates or even 6 dates or more in and sex falls flat, its unattractive. That becomes an issue in the long run,  couples compatibility in the bedroom is just as important as their compatibility is in other areas of a relationship. But both parties should be clear. Either upfront or after. Don't leave anyone hanging, that's just unfair and we live in a society where truth needs to be more relevant than these old games people play. Seriously people, just lay your cards on the table with the next couple attempts at dates and see what the worst that can happen. I believe too many assume the worst/are too chicken to be honest and it really is kinda ridiculous.

What is your opinion? 

What A Man Wants. Is it really?

Am I wrong to say that the perception of what a man wants, or dreams of, when it comes to sex is simplicity? Get it when they want, on the regular, how they want it and no dragged out emotions about it. Add in a hot girl who "delivers".

Not to get into the whole "no strings attached" conversation again. This time it's not about the question of whether it can work or not, its about making it work. What brought this up is a conversation that has come up a few times lately with some single girlfriends of mine. I'll say we get a little confused when giving a guy that simplicity, and the guys seem to turn a little girly, or lazy, or whatever you wanna call it. They certainly don't act like they won the lottery.

What I mean by "simplicity":

A girl and a guy. Friends. Know each other well, get along but don't jive as a relationship and both are not looking for one either. The attraction in the bedroom however is bang on! Somewhere in there an arrangement is made. I guess you can call this a booty call arrangement. No obligations, no relationship emotions, just simply fun sex and unattached sex. AWESOME situation right guys? Isn't that what you have asked for, or reference to and wish for? I understand that some of you don't agree, or can relate to this this kind of arrangement, and that's fine. This kind of relationship is not for everyone. Nor is this post. 

So when you find a girl who actually delivers on this simplistic arrangement. Why do guys turn lazy about it, all girly with excuses and literally get into that comfortable relationship mode. You know the mode one after the honey moon is over. Like the excitement has ended. But when you are in the bedroom together it is clear the excitement is still there.

(As I struggle to write this next part of examples for what I am referring to, because each way I try to write it, it seems to come off wrong. So I figured it's better I just literally copy and paste some text messages my girlfriends and I have exchanged.)

"Why does a guy not jump on the opportunity to just get some when offered, why does this seem so complicated?"

"He said he had no plans, now he said we'll see how tonight goes. What's more important then sex? Especially from a guys stand point."

"I literally was standing there in some sexy lingerie, ready for some fun and he says, 'I just want to let you know I do have to get up early, so I can't stay up to late'. I was in shock!"

"We try and give them what they want but yet they turn away. It's when it complicates our lives that they become horny again."

"Seriously? He is worried about being tired? Is it not worth being tired over? One night of fun, that we both want and the next day of feeling a little tired is not the end of the world. Geese, live a little!"

"I got him all riled up texting, and he gives me... I really want to, I SERIOUSLY do... but i'm already in bed."

I personally like the excuse we've heard a few times being that "they gotta get up early" or "i'm too tired". It's kinda ironic, don't you think. How many guys complain about how their women don't want to have sex enough, that they they are tired of hearing such excuses of why they are not getting sex, including the 'I'm too tired' excuse. They commonly write references to such scenarios in all kinds of movies, sitcoms, etc. But here are some girls, smokin hot, not attached, no family/married life or relationship drama getting in the way or tiring you out even. Pure and simple, let's rock it tonight. And you say "I gotta get up really early." Is the sex you all desire so much, not worth being a little tired for? Live a little people!!!

Another interesting factor that was brought to my attention was how they always have to be at their house. The excuses start when they have to make the effort to get off their couch and come to your place, or that you have a roommate that is home, or so on and so on. But if you showed up at their door, they would be ready and willing! Is this a territory thing? A girl, whom you called on, is ready and willing, but the trip to her place is too much? Again, not worth it? Than why call on them and keep in touch if you are not willing to make some kind of effort.

Now again, I will state that this is not a relationship of the norm we are speaking of. But it is a type of a relationship. But come on people, it's still intimacy shared which means there should be a better level of respect shared and efforts made. I will always believe that the "making an effort" should never end in any relationship. You can have your off days, absolutely. We can't always be on our A game. But there should be a solid effort that each partner should continue to show appreciation for their partner, no matter what kind of relationship or agreement you have.

My closing statement to today's post is a question I kinda answered within my own post, but a statement I would like to make to the men who are in such a "relationship" with anyone...
Question: Why the excuses when given exactly what you want?
Answer: Guys are just that simple.
Statement: Guys, don't be so lazy, make a little effort. You will be highly rewarded! And remember, you can sleep when you are dead. They are worth being a little tired for once in a while. Get over yourselves.

I am always up for conversation when it comes to these topics, so guys please feel free to comment. No judgements, just want to learn. Girls, I wanna hear your stories and comments too!

To Act On or Simply See the SIGNS

How many times have you seen a pretty girl or guy and just smiled and looked/walked away, only to leave you thinking “I should have said something” afterwards?

All too often I'm a block or two away after the moment and I come up with the perfect scenario to have just said something. Something witty or simple… anything to literally just have the balls to do it. The art of picking up, I seriously suck at. I even have scenarios with people I know or just met but in conversation with but don't know where to take the conversation from nervousness I guess. And then the moment is lost and I didn't say anything. 

This video a friend shared with me makes you think about all the moments you shouldn’t waste by feeling nervous, scared, or whatever it is.

Are the signs there and have you missed or almost missed them?

At times I feel like maybe the sign was there and I looked away shyly too quickly and to them my reaction could come across as possible rejection. I am also told that I can be very intimidating, which I find interesting cause I'll be honest and admit to how shy I actually am in ways. Especially when it comes to guys. I'm an idiot in that "obvious" department. lol Also, the hopeless romantic in me thinks if we are meant to meet they will just make the move. After all I am seeking someone with confidence (not cockiness) for someone I would want to be with. Someone with the strength to boldly take chances, yes act on those romantic impulses sometimes and also see me as worth the risk to just try, even if it’s just simply asking how my day is, make me laugh, really just make me feel comfortable. Because I will admit I am one who needs the ice to be broken for me first when it comes to guys. In career mode... I am the complete opposite, go figure. After that ice is broken though… look out.  Ha ha  

Does those bold gestures of between strangers still exist? I’d love to hear you stories.

Single vs Relationships

I often question myself on whether me enjoying being single, especially while I feel like I am getting things in order with my career and well, my life really, is avoidance or actual truth. Do I really enjoy being single or am I afraid of of relationships and the commitment it requires?

When I am freely living on my own schedule, not having to answer to anyone and their demand for my time. I truly appreciate the easiness of it all. And then... you get comfortable in your bed one night (or on your couch if you have one, I sold mine - read my blog post on that one, an oldy but a goody: Couch Guy) you turn on Netflix and get drawn to watching one of those movies. Sometimes I am that girl who likes to watch a love story. WHY?! And I don't mean because I don't enjoy the movies themselves, but my goodness it's the worst thing you can do when you are single! Am I right ladies? it reminds you of the things you are missing that you so easily brush off with distractions of other things when you single. Like for me, work.

Tonight I was suggested the movie Mercy, by Netflix (oddly after I just watched Detachment which is no love story let me tell ya. Powerful movie to watch though.) It was late, not able to sleep anyway, so sure I'll watch another movie, this looks interesting. I actually enjoyed it. But it was one of those love stories that gets ya, where you truly feel the love one has for the other character. One that while you are watching them meet, fall in love, etc it makes you think of being single yourself and start missing that feeling of someone so interested in you, so in love with you, that it hurst to not have you in their life. I've been there, I know what that feels like. It also certainly makes you evaluate your situation of laying there all alone eating junk food at one in the morning in bed, and alone. Did I mention alone?

My "Team Single" side of me is like, get over it and stretch out and enjoy having the entire bed to yourself, this is awesome! (Aside from my cat and dog that seem to take up an awful amount of room in my bed)

The "Team Relationship" side (which is more the team my friends are on, and not me lol) makes you think about what you are missing, no matter how complicated the can be. It's having someone. The other day a friend actually said something that stuck in my head. We were chatting about relationships vs being single and I was giving my usual 'argument' about the fact I can't have the distraction of a relationship in my life right now, because I am trying to accomplish things and I feel like I can not give the time and effort into a relationship that is fair to my partner. She said, maybe having someone in your life could be that support that can help you get where you want to go, rather than feeling alone to get there. Well, didn't she put a dent in my singles ride?

What she said, made me stop to think. Maybe my climb to the top could be that much better with someone to share it with. And on the other hand, can I truly give enough in a relationship while I am climbing to the top? I'd have to learn how to accomplish that. So far that hasn't worked out in the last couple relationships I was in. Yes there were many other reasons those relationships didn't work out as well, but when single again it felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders when I could just concentrate on my work again with out dealing with relationship 'drama'. I also often say that my son is the only man in my life that I need, and that he is the one I share my "climb to the top" with, even if he is only 9.

I think I related a bit more to the movie because of all the reasons I am asking myself questions in this post. And what and Ironic title.

mer·cy  

/ˈmərsē/

Noun

Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm: "the boy was begging for mercy". An event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering.

Oh life and love. You make my brain hurt sometimes.

Single vs Relationships... what's your take?

What is Perfect?

I have been absent for a very long time. I could come up with a lot of reasons to why I have been offline (on this blog that is) but really it only comes down to one reason, my constant reach for perfection. 

I will admit I am a HUGE perfectionist.  I felt that unless I had every post properly edited I couldn't post them. As a communication specialist, I should know better and have it just perfect right? I didn't want to admit that, even though I have thought of this post in the past. But what would people think, especially being a professional! 

I could also say that it is pretty engrained by my mother in a lot of ways, that my writing should be perfect before posting, because she always told me I should never take up English as a major because my grammar and spelling skills were/are pretty bad. She is a brilliant scholar, so it's in her nature. And it was true, my papers always bled red with mistakes. Even now, one of my brothers still taunts me publicly about my bad spelling too. No pressure right? I also have been ridiculed, and still am by friends, family, strangers and anyone else about how much I talk. So I was afraid that my blog posts were too lengthy. And through online stats, your blog shouldn't be so long, and knowing I talk too much, i should make it shorter. Also, I was afraid that some of my posts weren't the perfect story to share either.

Well this is my personal blog. I am an informative, and detailed person, not talkative. I am not here to write some prize winning article or be graded or judged on how crappy my writing, spelling, grammar or any of it is. Really this blog is pretty personal, kinda like a journal in ways that I am choosing to write publicly because I believe there may be others who may relate, and feel more human, like I do,  the more we discover who we are.  I am going to write this blog when ever and however I want, as long or short as I want and drive every one of you perfectionists crazy with ALL my mistakes. Here is how much I care.... I DON'T ANYMORE! 

Let's talk about being perfect. What is perfect? There is no such thing. There is no such thing. There is no such thing! This is a line I have been told by many, including my business coach to repeat and believe! I do try to remind myself, but to believe it, well... that is an old habit that is hard to break, but I am working on it. 

I try to think back to the "why" do I do this to myself, set such an unattainable standard. I can't think of the "why", I just need to think of a solution to move forward (Again, advice from my business coach*). Even my son does the same and has from a very young age, strive for perfection. Knowing that I struggle with perfectionism, that was one of the last traits I wanted to see him struggle with, especially already. He's a kid, he should just enjoy everything for what it is! Right?! I remind him when he gets upset about his art not working out the way he wants, or his writing or what ever it is, that it's okay to make mistakes, or are they even mistakes? Maybe that line may lead his drawing in a new direction that could be really cool. Somehow, I have rubbed off before I even knew it. In words or actions that I didn't even know I was teaching him this. I will continue to remind him there is no such thing as perfect and to accept things as they are, be grateful of the positives, and appreciate the experiences. I know I need to embrace my own words of advice that I deliver to others.  

My solution, is figuring out how to love myself, truly love myself from within my heart and not just my head. I can tell you that I believe, and I do ... well I can't say I love myself (yet), but am proud of myself and my accomplishments. I can list off all the wonderful things that others say about me, and I love to hear. But I honestly don't believe within my heart that I am good enough, I don't meet the "perfect" I set up for myself. And since there is no such thing as perfect, I will never be perfect, there for never good enough. 

Kinda silly right?

Now, as a perfectionist still at this moment, we love to procrastinate.  Which to be honest I can admit that I am using this blog today to procrastinate so I don't overwhelm myself with things I think I may fail at, or be good enough for. (If you can relate, you totally understand what I mean by that.) So I should get back to work, and nip what I need to get done in the butt. I will say though, I am proud that I have finally took to my keyboard and wrote a blog post, perfect or not. 

So this is not one of those posts that has the answers already like some self help book, it's more a work in progress. Even though I naturally strayed from writing just now to start searching for the answers on how to over come my perfectionism, with making this a more perfect post. I stopped myself. he he To follow me on my journey, share your relatable moments, or just deliver some advice, be sure to follow my blog, and post your comments below. 

I am re kicking off the whole purpose of this blog, and why I started it originally, finding me. Now I am finding me, figuring out how to love me. And challenging myself to not give up again because I was afraid of what others would think.  

Have an incredible week, and for those like me, who strive for perfect.  Here is a line I'll leave you with:

“Making a mistake does not mean I’m stupid or a failure. It only means that I am like everyone else -human. Everyone makes mistakes!” 

Do you have a personal trait that holds you back?

*As an entrepreneur a business coach is the best thing to have on speed dial. Mine, Jess Huffman of Firebringers. I can't even explain in words how amazing he has been for me. I am so grateful for have had the chance to work with him over the last 3 years and continue to do so.